[In the first part of this series, we looked at the science behind our physical and mental reactions to story vs. tension. Part Two looks at how to create a story].
How do you deescalate tense situations enough to begin a story?
First, establish common ground. This can be easily done even when you don’t know the other person well. In one study on a college campus, charity solicitors doubled their donations by remarking, “I’m a student here, too.” 4 In the case of the cafeteria conversation, it can be simply by saying, we’re both pretty passionate about whom we support and I’m sure we both have very good reasons.
A statement like that not only unites you and your colleague in a common interest (your political passion), it implies your colleague has a sound rational for that passion. Acknowledging instead of denigrating their feelings establishes trust. Trust is important between a teller and the audience—an audience won’t listen to a teller whom it doesn’t trust, and successful storytelling requires active listening on the part of the audience.
If you feel comfortable doing so, you can also reach out and put a hand on your colleague’s arm—human contact can quickly decrease the temperature in the room. I did this during a heated political conversation over dinner recently—the argument escalated quickly and my friend was angry. I leaned in and offered him my hand and said, please take hold of my hand. He was startled into responding and I held his hand while I spoke and he cooled off quickly. We left the table with our friendship intact (though we will never agree with each other on that topic).
After creating common ground you say, I’d like to tell you a story about why I support President Mary and then I’d like to hear yours about why you support Harvey. This steps away from a direct conflict, lets your colleague know you’ll make room for him to speak, and sets up a story environment (it’s important to frame up the story redirect so they understand you’re not going to simply stand there and hurl insults at their candidate). What is he going to say, no? Of course not, he’s equally passionate and has equally strong reasons, and he’s just dying to tell you why his reasons are right and yours are wrong, and vice-versa.
If you don’t have a well thought out reason for supporting your candidate, you’ll need to get one before you begin constructing your story. More than half a century of research about how people choose their candidates says that party affiliation or “tribe” is the most powerful factor in how a candidate is selected, followed by looks and a healthy appearance. 5 With flimsy rationale like this, it’s easy to understand how political disagreements escalate so quickly.
Ideally, your story will be about something that happened that formed the beliefs you have, which have made you a passionate supporter of your candidate. A basic narrative framework looks like this:
Exposition, or scene setting. What’s the background for your story?
Inciting incident or Rising Action What happened that set you along the path to your support?
Escalation. What was your reaction? How did it change the way you thought of things?
Climax. What was the turning point in your journey towards solidification of this support?
Resolution. How does your support manifest itself in your choices, the way you live?
When you fill in the details, your story of support for President Mary would look like this:
Exposition: when I was in college I spent a summer working in Appalachia, where I was assigned to be teaching assistant in a summer school. I was a civil engineering major and assumed I’d be building stuff, but I was assigned to help in a school.
Inciting incident: I was tasked with tutoring third graders and I was shocked to discover how many ten year olds were still only semi-literate, and I couldn’t understand why.
Escalation: Then I learned that most communities project the number of jail cells they’ll need in twenty years based on the literacy rate of third grade students. That made me double-down on the hours I spent tutoring these kids after summer school. There was one child in particular—her parents were dirt poor, no one in her family had ever finished high school, but she was hungry to learn and I worked with her everyday. By the summer’s end, she was reading on a 6th grade level. That experience stayed with me when I returned to college and I started following literacy initiatives.
Climax: President Mary was then a Congresswoman from West Virginia and she sponsored a major literacy initiative. She made an impassioned speech about the importance of reading for civic and professional success she won the funding. I was really impressed with her dedication to helping kids learn to read.
Resolution: President Mary has continued her commitment to literacy and I have always supported her because of it. And by the way, that little girl whom I tutored—she just graduated college last year,
This narrative arc is character-driven, helping release oxytocin and induce empathy in your colleague; it involves a quest (helping kids learn to read) that heightens drama and hence engagement; and it has happy ending, generating the release of endorphins.